The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
