That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
