I am spending my child support on dildos
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
