I need to stop coming to work sober
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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