I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
