Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
this hospital has no fireball
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
