OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
