Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
