His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize