I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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