I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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