I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
