So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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