Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
