You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize