Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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