guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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