If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize