If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
