hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
