You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
