when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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