you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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