It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
