just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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