i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
