if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
