Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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