Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
