So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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