my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
