I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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