Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
