I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
