Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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