At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
