Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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