What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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