Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The air was thick with penises
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
