Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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