she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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