I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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