ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
