this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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