My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
