oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
