If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am available for nakedness
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
