So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
