first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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