if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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