you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
