I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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