I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
