RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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