I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
