the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
