he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
