Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
