I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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