Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
