im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
