You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
